Maddy lay wide awake in the dorm size bed. You know, the special size that no sheets fit on because it's too long and too skinny. Purposefully designed to keep co-eds from doing exactly what Maddy was doing.
Sleeping with her boyfriend.
Except, she wasn't so much sleeping as she was tracing cracks in the ceiling. Greg, on the other hand, was like a log.
The night sky was dark and had been threatening to break open all evening. Maddy's wrists always ached before a storm. Residual effects of old wounds. Tonight, the pain tormented her sleep. She was riding that line between consciousness and dream.
She was awoken around three in the morning to the clapping of thunder. The room glowed in the lightning strikes that followed, and the window shuddered with each boom. Shadows became dreamlike, and dreams became like reality.
The panic attack had already begun when Greg rolled over and let his body fall on Maddy's body.
She tried to calm herself. Closing her eyes she tried to let the rain lull her to sleep. She was plagued, though, by a ticking. A ticking near her ear.
In half sleep she could hear his watch next to her ear. Feel her wrists pinned. The rocks stabbing at her back and legs. Helpless and overpowered.
The ticking.
It grew louder and louder.
Lightning.
Thunder.
It's a clock. It's the alarm clock. Not a watch. No one is there with her but Greg. But still her wrists ached and the ticking of the clock grew. She had to get out.
The feelings were too much. She pushed Greg off and made her way to the bathroom.
"Are you okay in there, baby?" came a young man's voice.
"I'm fine, Greg."
"You sure? Can I get you anything?"
"No, I will be okay in a minute. Just go back to sleep, you're chem final is tomorrow." Maddy managed between breaths.
"You sure?" Greg was already half way into sleepy land. He was lucky like that.
Maddy didn't even need to reply. She really was okay. It was just the pain in her wrists that made her sick. The ache upset her stomach.
She calmed down after a while.
She returned to the bed, composed and ready for some sleep.
The storm had slowed to a light rain. Drops pattered on the window like calming waterfalls. The wind blew branches around outside the window, dancing in the breaking moonlight. She faded once again into a semi-conscious state. Curled up with her pillow as her safety.
The rain, however, faded away and the ticking once again became prominent. The single noise source in the room. No amount of concentration would allow Maddy to ignore it. She could see the trees outside the window waving in the wind. Mocking hernow, as they did that day.
Tall and proud, the trees were to her. They had been her protection. Her solace. Until the day they turned they're back on her. She could smell his smell mixed with the smell of autumn leaves. She could feel his knees pinning her wrists to her sides. Hear the ticking of his watch. She could feel every bump. rock, and root beneath her.
The ticking was ceaseless. She could not tell whether she was awake or asleep. Reality mixed with broken images. Her muscles tensed with each proceeding tick.
Tick.
Tick.
When her muscles could take no more they simply sprung. She found herself jumping out of bed. From a distance she watched herself throw the clock through the window and she stared as it fell seven flights to the patio below.
The commotion that ensued was a blur.
"What were you thinking?" was all Greg could say."What was going through your head?"
"I can't explain it." Maddy wasn't lying. She couldn't explain it. For years she had not really known. Tonight it became crystal clear. Her memory returned.
"I can't explain what was going through my head, Greg."
"Maddy, we have known each other since we were 12. You know you can tell me anything."
"Not this. Not yet."
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