ways [to all the girls i loved before]

It must seep into your soul. A sort of indecenct ignorance of humanity. That is an oblivion to the living breathing beings that exist in the world. It must just seep in through the soil. Through the politics. Through the indulgence. Through the lifestyle. It's nice. It's easy. I would go back to it almost instantly under the proper circumstances.

It's a place I love. And yet a place were venom is spit from snakes as regularly as the ocean sprays the eastern coast. And as regularly as the sun sets over the water reflecting through the hazy days of the western coast. None of them are better or worse. Two of them I called home. Maybe its time to try the third. We'll just see where life takes me. It's led me so far already.

I left. I did. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever done in my entire life. I felt so hollow. So lost. So bitterly alone. In a hotel in Holiwood, TN. I prayed that night. I prayed to whoever would listen. To give me strength. To help me do what was right. To guide me. Laying in that hotel bed all I wanted to do was turn around and go home. Why couldn't I just turn around and go home?

I don't know why yet. I don't know what it is I needed to do. I needed to prove. I needed to show. I am sure when I do it I'll know. Oddly enough once I finally do it, prove it, become it....I probably won't be so homesick.

Stand on your own two feet. Stand up and carry yourself. When you're marching into battle, your weakest moments are when you look back. Don't look back 'til your marching home. Stand on your own two feet and carry yourself in.

It was like going off to do battle with my demons. It still is.

I remember every second. Every moment. Every pain, every fear, every sadness, every bit of remorse. What the house smelled like. What the courtyard looked like. What the weather was like. The color of the sky. The look in your eyes. It wasn't easy. Nor was it brave. I'm not a martyr, by any stretch of my vivid imagination. It just was.

It still is.

There's someone who makes me feel okay again. Makes me feel sane again. Makes me feel like I might even want to love again. She isn't rich. She's not a trophy wife. She's not gonna take me away from this crazy minded mess. She won't save me, or hide me, or even shelter me from the world. And truth be told, I don't know how long she'll be by my side. She is good, and sweet, and true. She's a bit like all of you. Amazingly she loves me, too.

It doesn't make me want to forget. The joy or the pain. The flowers on the table or the smell of the rain. It doesn't darken how I felt and how I feel. It doesn't make any other love less real.

In many ways it makes it stronger. Makes me wish I had longer. But time is clearly passing by. And I'm sorry that I had to fly. I wish you could have come with me. I forgave all my dignity. I knew I would crawl back to you, if I could find the way. I never thought I would have a bad thing to say.

And I don't.