new ways to love

There is a beginning. And there is an end. I can't. I can't get through the middle. I can't relive that pain. They're either together. Or they're apart. I can't relive the breaking. I can't relive the falling apart. The unraveling. I am not so strong you know. I am a broken person. Remnants of myself when I was young. A green landscape torn and tossed by years of depression. Canyons running the length of my body. Cracks and corrosion on my ocean floor. Leaving, in and of itself, took every last bit of strength I had. I am weak and broken. I wake each day and decide then and there how I will go on. It is one step at a time. One foot in front of another. Once I had my whole life planned out, dreamed out. That no longer exists.

This is not to say I am not happy. On the contrary. I am learning and growing. I am beginning to understand there is a beauty in what we cannot know. Faith has become so important to me. So hard. But so important. I look around and see all that I could hope for at this very moment. With the understanding that tomorrow could come and take it all away.

It is a fear so strong, and a joy so serene. My favorite color was once blue. Blue the color of the sky and the color of sadness. Now, I think it is green. The color of the trees and the garden and my soul. The color of spring.

While still ravaged by bouts of depression, the garden in me is still wick. Little leaves are sprouting on the trees that stand gaurd over my heart.

I am learning to love again. It's a slow difficult process. My heart is way ahead of my mind. For my heart knows no fear. Despite its recent erosion. It knows its purpose. Its one and only purpose in this life. My mind is opening to the new possibilities. The new ways to love. The new ways to be loved. There are so many. I hope I never stop learning.